How to be more Kind to Yourself.

Source: here.

It’s coincidence that I return back to the blogging-sphere on Mental Health Week 2020, as the reason I’ve been gone for some time, is because I’ve been dealing with my own mental health issues. The past 3-4 years have been the most difficult years of my life and although this post isn't going to explain to you what has been happening with me (which will come, so keep an eye out), it will hopefully enlighten you on something I practice that I believe we can all benefit from doing more of. What I'm talking about is the act of kindness - which happens to be this year's theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020. So what is kindness and why does it matter?

Kindness is this sort of magic all humans innately possess, right? We radiate it, especially when we concern ourselves with our family and friends. Like when they're run down or feeling a bit shit, we're going to be there checking up on them and just lending our ears. Maybe even going above and beyond and doing something extra like making them food, because what's kindness if not a bowl of garlic bread and...actually just that? Basically we want to do something that's going to make that person we care for feel good because we have this instinctual drive to look after the people in our lives. This is all well and good, but I want to focus on that word; "them". Why are we so good at looking after others and being kind to them, but when it comes to ourselves it's like that setting turns a few notches down? Maybe it's because that's how we're taught to use our kindness. Maybe we just plainly don't know how to be kind to ourselves. Or maybe we don't believe we deserve this sort of self-love. Whatever the reason, it's time to change this because we all deserve that same sort of self-respect and kindness!

Source: here.

My Experience

Just like many of you, this idea of being kind and loving to myself feels a bit alien to me too, almost a bit uncomfortable - but that's not a good enough reason to not be kind to myself. These last few years I've been living in extreme distress from a variety of mental illnesses, from anxiety disorders, depression, paranoia, dissociation and more... The variety of symptoms I cope with can be very debilitating, but what I've realised upon reflection over the years is that the shame I inflict upon myself for living with these conditions can be just as bad as putting up with the symptoms. Putting it in simple English, when I shame myself for the things I struggle with or cannot do like 'normal' people can, I'm being unkind to myself for things that are literally out of my control. This shame damages my confidence and seeps into other areas of my life, but reducing this shame is something I can work on.

Now, just like any other skill, kindness takes practice. For me, it's an ongoing journey. Some days I tell myself in the most narcissistic way possible, 'you're fucking incredible, Liam' and other times I tell myself a simple, 'you tried your best and that's good enough'. And then there's the days when it feels like the most impossible thing to do, so I resort to convincing myself that I don't deserve any kindness. In fact today has been one of those days as I've been so incredibly anxious that being compassionate to myself has been a challenge, but I've tried. I've acknowledged how today has been emotionally exhausting and a struggle, but I have also accepted that I didn't choose to become so overwhelmed. In these uncertain and scary times of being in a pandemic I know I'm not alone in this feeling of anxiety, and to be honest I'm entitled to feel anxious right now and there is NO shame in that. Even though the anxiety today was paralysing at times, I still got things done, from getting dressed to basic house chores, from a quick home workout to some chill time reading. I should certainly acknowledge these things as big, as they are. I owe it to myself to say well done for completing these tasks and remind myself that it's okay not to feel okay. That goes for ALL of us.

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” - Jennifer Dukes Lee

KINDNESS IS NOT LIMITED TO THOSE WITH A MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS'S

To be 100% clear, we ALL deserve this sort of self appreciation, self-respect and self-love. It isn't just applicable to those of us who are mentally ill. NO, NO, NO. You don't think I don't see you all giving yourself a hard time? I do, and you do too. You probably do this countless ways, but let's start with what I think is probably the most applicable and universal theme right now...

Maybe you have put on a bit of weight. Maybe that's upset you so you're making yourself feel ashamed, but how does that help your self-esteem? Food is good and if you've put on a few pounds, well, I think that just goes to show you're doing this quarantine thing right! Just know you're not the only one putting on a few pounds, I certainly am. Now what you could start doing to be kinder is when you see yourself in the mirror, or better yet, when you're criticising yourself throughout the day, say 1 or 2 physical features about your body you like (but if you want to go to town on this, go for it). Then take it a step further and say why you are grateful for your body in terms of what it does for you. Like, it protects you, keep you warm, allows you to move - and it does all that even with those extra few pounds you put on. Learn to love your body in this way and see it as something more than just aesthetic because what your body looks like does NOT define your worth. And if you are worrying about that, see that weight gain as a story about all the amazing foods your body has allowed you to enjoy. I have no doubt this exercise probably sounds, and will feel a bit silly to do, but it's better than criticising yourself, right? And over time, it could make you feel more positive.

Now that's probably a relatable theme, but of course kindness is not limited to just this pandemic. We all have had issues going on in our lives that started prior to this lockdown and will continue to deal with these issues, and new issues, after. An example I most relate to that's been a lifelong struggle is social affairs. If you're like me, I often think about those times I haven't been up to doing anything social like attending an event, or, going to see family and friends. When I choose not to attend something social my initial thoughts are, 'you're a bad friend', 'why aren't you normal?' or something similar, but then I realise I need to be defending my own court and advocating for myself. Why? Well aren't my needs just as important to listen to? Y E S. So I do. I tell myself that we're all different, and, because I'm not as social as other people that doesn't make me any less than them - or any less capable. And for every time I do hang out with my friends and family, the quality of time together is much better as it feels less forced and artificial. I enjoy being around others, but, I also enjoy being alone with myself. So, if I want to be alone, I'm going to be alone and not feel guilty about it. Of course that might make it seem easy, but of course kindness can be a battle.

The Key to Kindness

The best way to go about being kind to yourself is to treat each time you're having a difficulty like you're going to your best friend for advice. If you were going to meet this friend and explain what's going on, what would they say? Would they tell you that you're worthless or maybe that you're, I don't know, F A B U L O U S?! I hope for the latter. 

That inner monologue you have inside your mind is something which you can evolve from being your own personal bully, and turning it into your own best friend, like in real life. You have to almost detach yourself and think, what would my best friend say to me right now? The key to kindness is taking off the lens you're used to looking through, and instead, putting on your friend's lens and seeing what they see in you.

Simple ways I try to be Kind to Myself

• When I catastrophize that something went wrong, like I made a fool of myself, I go out of my way to find something that went right, that I did right. This is how I take away the power from the bully in my head.
• When I practice yoga, I say (admittedly like a weirdo) my favourite qualities about myself.
• When I see myself in my mirror, I look for, and say aloud something cute about myself, like, 'hey bootylicious'.

I'm definitely not the master of self love, because kindness is a constant challenge. However, I'm working at it as I owe it to myself. And you also owe it to yourself, but if you think this might be too hard to start, then start gradually - and if you think you'll forget to, then maybe put some sticky notes up around your home to encourage you to keep going. I'm sure it will feel strange at first, but with time I'm sure you will appreciate shaping that mind of yours into your own best friend. 

I love this year's theme for Mental Health Awareness Week, because it goes to show that we all give ourselves a hard time - and none of us deserve that. So be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Always.

How do you practice kindness?

Liam

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Resources:

https://www.mind.org.uk

https://www.rethink.org
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Mental Illness is not a joke

From mugs saying 'obsessive cat disorder' on it to be people describing each other as anorexic, the conversation surrounding mental health has taken a turn for the worst. No wonder people have a fear speaking up about their own mental health issues when this sort of conversation encourages people to stigmatise psychiatric illnesses.

Source: here.

Speaking up about any illness is hard for sure, but the thing about mental illness is that it receives a lot of stigma. Who would want to speak up about their illness when they might face some sort of prejudice like this? But where is this stigma coming from? Well I have one suspicion and it's from society's conversation! You hear it again and again; people using mental illnesses as adjectives and as jokes. Silly really. Something like:

"You're so OCD"
"She's so anorexic"
"You're so bipolar sometimes"
"She's absolutely schizo"
"I'm depressed"
"I'm going to kill myself if...happens"

It's this sort of ignorance that encourages stigmatisation. It's this sort of ignorance that proves how uneducated society really is. It's a shame because I'm sure a lot of people don't mean to cause offence but they really do. Using a mental illness as an adjective to describe something is not okay and needs to end. It dumbs down mental illness as being a joke, maybe even made up.

How? Well you're not acting as if you're OCD, you're just being a little more obsessive than normal. That person isn't annorexic, they're just skinny or don't eat much often. No you're not bipolar, you're happy today and were sad yesterday. And no you certainly aren't depressed, you're just stressed or sad - and that unlike some mental illnesses will pass. 

This conversation dumbs down how serious mental illness really is and is so offensive on so many levels. Making comments like this makes it seem like mental illness is nothing, no big deal, like it's just something silly or dare I say cute in some scenarios like being obsessive (OCD). Someone please explain to me how anything about this issue is cute or silly as I can't quite see it myself.

But it gets worse. Not only is the literal conversation bad but now stores have made it into a profit-driven industry. You can buy merchandise like 'obsessive cat disorder' mugs which are an obvious spinoff of someone diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. Nothing about this is okay. These mugs makes a joke out of an illness which faces so much stigma only to add to it as being nothing more than a personality trait. Let's make it clear that mental illness is not a personality trait, it is an illness. Yes you can't see it but it's real. Your brain is an organ just like any other and can get ill with psychiatric illnesses just like another organ can get ill with something else. Please do some research before you go to describe yourself as OCD or depressed like it's no big deal.

Where does the problem lie? Education. If there was proper education on mental illness in schools and the workplace people would understand mental illness as being a real thing and not a way to describe themselves. And if the education was informative, maybe people would think twice before buying into an industry making money out of joking around about it i.e. the merchandise I mentioned.

It's a shame society has come to this. If you feel the same as me, comment below and join in the conversion because #MentalIllnessIsNotAJoke.

Liam

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A day with OCD

Hi Liam,

Source: here.

It's time to leave the bed, well almost. I know you want to leave now but it's only 8.06 and you know you can't leave until 8.10, we've been through this. Ignore your hunger, you can eat soon. In the meantime, let's plan your day: eat at 8.10, shower at 8.40, leave the house at 9.15, lunch with friend at 12, get back home at 3, blog at 3.15, cook at 5.15 and sleep at 9. Anything else? No okay, you can leave the bed now. Make sure to wash your hands first, PROPERLY. I want under those nails done; the palms; wrists; in between fingers; back of hands, the whole lot and a good 30 seconds on this. I'm being easy on you, we used to do this for much longer until you were sore so be grateful.

Now get a bowl from the cupboard for your cereal and wash it plus the spoon from the draw. Same drill, wash the sides, the top and the back until I'm happy. Yes they've been washed already but I have standards and you can't be too careful about all that bacteria. Good thing we have the antibacterial washing up liquid. Heck maybe you should wash your hands again since we're speaking about bacteria. All done? Let's have a shower then. You know what I'm going to say to do, scrub every inch of that body! I don't care how long it takes. Maybe exfoliate your skin too as it is so uneven I don't like it. Scrub it until your red and sore because then I know for sure you've scrubbed properly.

Okay it's time to leave the house so put on your shoes. No you did it wrong, start again. And again... Liam you know what I want; a straight lace, no folds or twists, come on you're driving me crazy. That's better, okay let's leave the house before it turns to 9.16 because you know how I hate the number 6. Right lock the door. Now double check you've locked it. And again. Are you sure you've locked it? Go back again. Maybe you didn't, really slam the handle down this time to make sure it's locked. And again. Okay one more time. Maybe a second time. Third time. Okay it's locked. Now we're outside make sure to jump over the road markings and drains because you know how much they scare me. Oh and that big crack there! Phew. You might die if you step on them so as much of an idiot you look like jumping over them I'm saving your life really. You're welcome.

Oh it's time to meet your friend. Where is she? Oh there she is, let's walk with her. No not there, walk on the outside of the pavement. Why? Well if you're on the inside of the pavement you might push her into the road and kill her. Don't call me dramatic, you might do it. You hear about people doing things like this all the time so I can't trust you to be on the inside of the pavement. Okay maybe pick up the pace as it's almost lunch time and I want to make it for 12. I'm getting anxious that we won't make it. Oh there's the restaurant, never mind. That was cutting it fine. Now let's find a good seat. I like that one, go get it. Yeah I like this. Wait is that a mark on the table? Let's get this cleaned asap and straighten that cutlery Liam. No straighter than that. That's better.  Wow it's busy in here, let's count everyone that's around. 1, 4, 7, 9, 12, 15, 20. Wait why did you just look at that woman? Don't tell me it was nothing. They say rapists look at women. Maybe you're a rapist. Yes you are. You sicken me. Don't tell me you're not I watch the news, I know what they look like. They look like you. Let's go home, I can't be dealing with this.

Thank God we're home, you've been stressing me today. Let's look in the mirror. You look strange. Why isn't your body proportionate like everyone else's? Your nose shouldn't have that bump. And your right shoulder looks broader than the left. And the skin on your right cheek is redder than on the left. Why is so much of you disproportionate? You're going to give me a panic attack. Okay 10 minutes is enough looking.

Bed time, finally. Now that we're in bed I feel itchy, especially the right knee. Scratch it. Maybe you should scratch your left knee too since you scratched your right knee, just for symmetrical reasons. Obviously. Did you just scratch 3 times? Make it 4, I expect even numbers, Liam. Shall we check out the social media? Let's go through every news feed until we've seen everything already. Sure that's going to take a while but we need to see everything. Every story, every status, every photo, every update.

Okay let's sleep.......................actually I'm bored of sleeping, let's think. Remember that woman you looked at for a whole second earlier? You disgust me, you should be ashamed. Let's think about this until you fall asleep because I'm worried about you. Make sure you get exactly 8 hours sleep tonight though Liam, no more, no less.

Liam

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Like this? You might also like:
Six things no one tells you about depression

Top 5 tips to bring back your calm

This life thing isn't always the easiest, sometimes it can get you feeling down, anxious or just not feeling right. When that happens you need to know ways to cope with it and make yourself feel a little better. I've put together some coping strategies that have helped me that can help you too.

1. The 7 - 5 - 6 rules

This is one of the best tools I have found to calm down the body and slow down thoughts. To start, breathe in deeply and slowly for 7 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, then breathe out slowly for 6 seconds and hold for a further 5 seconds. Whilst doing this, focus on how inhaling fills up and expands the chest and how exhaling does the opposite and expands up the stomach. Really focus on what it's doing to your upper body and mind. Repeat as many times as necessary, it usually works best after two minutes.

Best for: anxiety

2. Body scan and sense awareness

This technique is especially great for grounding. It works best when eye's are closed. Start by noticing how you feel in yourself, that is emotionally and mentally - not questioning it, just noticing it. Then work from head to toe on how you physically feel e.g. sore, restless etc. Notice every part, from eyes to ears, mouth to toes. After this focus on your senses to bring yourself back into the present. Work on each sense besides vision for around 30 seconds to a minute and focus on what you can hear, taste, feel and smell.

Best for: anxiety, low mood, sleep problems and grounding

3. Rationalise - Irrationalise

For this one, you need to personify your rational and irrational mind. Don't tell yourself how you're feeling is silly, instead listen to what your irrational mind is thinking and feeling. Allow it to speak. Then put this into perspective using your rational mind and question things e.g. will that realistically happen?

It will almost feel like having a productive conversation with yourself.

Best for: conflicting thoughts and anxiety

4. Ecotherapy

It's time to embrace the hippie within you by being one with nature. The green outdoors are perfect for when you're feeling down. Not only is the colour green said to enhance creativity, but can also calm and lift moods so go ahead and find a patch of green to have some down time in.

Best for: low mood

5. Journal

For when all you need is to vent out how your feel know that a journal will always be there to listen. You can say anything you want and nobody will see it unless you want them to. Sometimes all you need is a safe place to say how you feel.

Best for: low mood

What tips do you have for bringing back your calm?

Liam

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Medication gratitude

Source: here.

Mental illness isn't always the easiest of illnesses to treat. Many of us depend on medication to help ease the symptoms and control how we feel. However, not everyone can afford treatment or are lucky enough to live in an area that offers medication. I'm extremely lucky to live in a place that offers it and am very grateful for it. It's helped me in a way no other treatment has. I take a range of medication daily to help me in my life long battle against several anxiety disorders; OCD; depression; a dissociative disorder and, mood imbalance. But why am I so lucky to be given the opportunity to take medication? Here I list everything it does for me and what psychiatric medication can do for other people.

Without medication, I wouldn't:

• Know the difference between rational and irrational thoughts
• Know what's real and what's not
• Have any control over my mood
• Have any confidence
• Have any energy
• Have any motivation
• Have an appetite
• Have control over my urges
• Have control of my physical symptoms of mental illness
• Have control over urges to harm myself
• Have hope
• Be able to leave the house
• Be able to socialise
• Be free of stress
• Be able to slow down my thoughts
• Be able to control my obsessive compulsions
• Be able to think clearly
• Be safe
• Feel comfortable in my own skin

Whilst there is a lot of stigma towards psychiatric medication, I can without a doubt say how grateful for it. Sure it isn't always nice; you can get flu like symptoms from it and missing a dose can be brutal on your body, but the pros really outweigh the cons for me. As for those that don't agree with it, ask yourself why would you tell a diabetic to take their medications and not someone with a mental illness? Is that not prejudice? Medication isn't a simple solution and can improve a person's wellbeing such as myself. I couldn't possibly list everything it does for me, but this post was just to give an idea of what it can do for someone in need.

How does medication help you?

 Liam

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Six things no one tells you about depression

As a long time sufferer of depression as far back as the age of 5 I have never been 'right' and that's because I have depression. I know this bully pretty well and there's a lot to him. Many people see depression as black and white, but what no one tells you is that it's more than just emotional. Here I list what no one tells you about depression.

Source: Here.

1. It's boring
Like really boring. It puts you in such a bad mood that seeing people; eating food; watching films; exercising; doing pretty much anything you can imagine is too difficult. You lack any motivation whatsoever and are not interested in anything. Everything bores you.

2. It hurts
Depression can cause random aches and pains as well as pins and needles in your body and they can be a little painful or REALLY painful. It can last for a short while, long while or come and go. For some people, it's almost constant.

3. It's tiring
Depression is EXHAUSTING. Let me paint you a picture: Imagine you had a really bad sleep and then the following day another bad sleep, let's say this goes on for a few weeks. Then randomly your boss asks you to come into work early and you have to set a 5am alarm to get up but you don't end up falling asleep until 1am. Imagine how tired you are when that alarm goes off. Times that by 10 and that's how tired depression sufferers can be some or most of the time. It's not pretty. Yawn.

4. You get mood swings
Depression changes you. You can be fine, maybe even happy for an hour and then out of the blue depression strikes you' down to the lowest depth out of no where. Maybe after a few hours you get really angry and then before bed feel calm. It really gives you a mix of emotions. You feel it all.

5. Sometimes you feel nothing
There's times when depression can make you feel emotionally numb. You can be awake and just feel nothing: not happy, not sad, just numb and there's no telling how long this will last. Someone could crack a joke and you wouldn't laugh; you could get a new job and not feel happy. It's an eerie sense of emotion.

6. There's not always an explanation
For many depression sufferers, there's no explanation to their diagnoses. Some people are built this way because of genetics or a chemical imbalance in their brain.

No matter how depression can bully people like me and others, we fight it everyday with pride knowing that we're stronger than it.

How does depression effect you?

 Liam

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Related Links:

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx