It’s coincidence that I return back to the blogging-sphere on Mental Health Week 2020, as the reason I’ve been gone for some time, is because I’ve been dealing with my own mental health issues. The past 3-4 years have been the most difficult years of my life and although this post isn't going to explain to you what has been happening with me (which will come, so keep an eye out), it will hopefully enlighten you on something I practice that I believe we can all benefit from doing more of. What I'm talking about is the act of kindness - which happens to be this year's theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2020. So what is kindness and why does it matter?
Kindness is this sort of magic all humans innately possess, right? We radiate it, especially when we concern ourselves with our family and friends. Like when they're run down or feeling a bit shit, we're going to be there checking up on them and just lending our ears. Maybe even going above and beyond and doing something extra like making them food, because what's kindness if not a bowl of garlic bread and...actually just that? Basically we want to do something that's going to make that person we care for feel good because we have this instinctual drive to look after the people in our lives. This is all well and good, but I want to focus on that word; "them". Why are we so good at looking after others and being kind to them, but when it comes to ourselves it's like that setting turns a few notches down? Maybe it's because that's how we're taught to use our kindness. Maybe we just plainly don't know how to be kind to ourselves. Or maybe we don't believe we deserve this sort of self-love. Whatever the reason, it's time to change this because we all deserve that same sort of self-respect and kindness!
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My Experience
Just like many of you, this idea of being kind and loving to myself feels a bit alien to me too, almost a bit uncomfortable - but that's not a good enough reason to not be kind to myself. These last few years I've been living in extreme distress from a variety of mental illnesses, from anxiety disorders, depression, paranoia, dissociation and more... The variety of symptoms I cope with can be very debilitating, but what I've realised upon reflection over the years is that the shame I inflict upon myself for living with these conditions can be just as bad as putting up with the symptoms. Putting it in simple English, when I shame myself for the things I struggle with or cannot do like 'normal' people can, I'm being unkind to myself for things that are literally out of my control. This shame damages my confidence and seeps into other areas of my life, but reducing this shame is something I can work on.
Now, just like any other skill, kindness takes practice. For me, it's an ongoing journey. Some days I tell myself in the most narcissistic way possible, 'you're fucking incredible, Liam' and other times I tell myself a simple, 'you tried your best and that's good enough'. And then there's the days when it feels like the most impossible thing to do, so I resort to convincing myself that I don't deserve any kindness. In fact today has been one of those days as I've been so incredibly anxious that being compassionate to myself has been a challenge, but I've tried. I've acknowledged how today has been emotionally exhausting and a struggle, but I have also accepted that I didn't choose to become so overwhelmed. In these uncertain and scary times of being in a pandemic I know I'm not alone in this feeling of anxiety, and to be honest I'm entitled to feel anxious right now and there is NO shame in that. Even though the anxiety today was paralysing at times, I still got things done, from getting dressed to basic house chores, from a quick home workout to some chill time reading. I should certainly acknowledge these things as big, as they are. I owe it to myself to say well done for completing these tasks and remind myself that it's okay not to feel okay. That goes for ALL of us.
“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” - Jennifer Dukes Lee
KINDNESS IS NOT LIMITED TO THOSE WITH A MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS'S
To be 100% clear, we ALL deserve this sort of self appreciation, self-respect and self-love. It isn't just applicable to those of us who are mentally ill. NO, NO, NO. You don't think I don't see you all giving yourself a hard time? I do, and you do too. You probably do this countless ways, but let's start with what I think is probably the most applicable and universal theme right now...
Maybe you have put on a bit of weight. Maybe that's upset you so you're making yourself feel ashamed, but how does that help your self-esteem? Food is good and if you've put on a few pounds, well, I think that just goes to show you're doing this quarantine thing right! Just know you're not the only one putting on a few pounds, I certainly am. Now what you could start doing to be kinder is when you see yourself in the mirror, or better yet, when you're criticising yourself throughout the day, say 1 or 2 physical features about your body you like (but if you want to go to town on this, go for it). Then take it a step further and say why you are grateful for your body in terms of what it does for you. Like, it protects you, keep you warm, allows you to move - and it does all that even with those extra few pounds you put on. Learn to love your body in this way and see it as something more than just aesthetic because what your body looks like does NOT define your worth. And if you are worrying about that, see that weight gain as a story about all the amazing foods your body has allowed you to enjoy. I have no doubt this exercise probably sounds, and will feel a bit silly to do, but it's better than criticising yourself, right? And over time, it could make you feel more positive.
Now that's probably a relatable theme, but of course kindness is not limited to just this pandemic. We all have had issues going on in our lives that started prior to this lockdown and will continue to deal with these issues, and new issues, after. An example I most relate to that's been a lifelong struggle is social affairs. If you're like me, I often think about those times I haven't been up to doing anything social like attending an event, or, going to see family and friends. When I choose not to attend something social my initial thoughts are, 'you're a bad friend', 'why aren't you normal?' or something similar, but then I realise I need to be defending my own court and advocating for myself. Why? Well aren't my needs just as important to listen to? Y E S. So I do. I tell myself that we're all different, and, because I'm not as social as other people that doesn't make me any less than them - or any less capable. And for every time I do hang out with my friends and family, the quality of time together is much better as it feels less forced and artificial. I enjoy being around others, but, I also enjoy being alone with myself. So, if I want to be alone, I'm going to be alone and not feel guilty about it. Of course that might make it seem easy, but of course kindness can be a battle.
Maybe you have put on a bit of weight. Maybe that's upset you so you're making yourself feel ashamed, but how does that help your self-esteem? Food is good and if you've put on a few pounds, well, I think that just goes to show you're doing this quarantine thing right! Just know you're not the only one putting on a few pounds, I certainly am. Now what you could start doing to be kinder is when you see yourself in the mirror, or better yet, when you're criticising yourself throughout the day, say 1 or 2 physical features about your body you like (but if you want to go to town on this, go for it). Then take it a step further and say why you are grateful for your body in terms of what it does for you. Like, it protects you, keep you warm, allows you to move - and it does all that even with those extra few pounds you put on. Learn to love your body in this way and see it as something more than just aesthetic because what your body looks like does NOT define your worth. And if you are worrying about that, see that weight gain as a story about all the amazing foods your body has allowed you to enjoy. I have no doubt this exercise probably sounds, and will feel a bit silly to do, but it's better than criticising yourself, right? And over time, it could make you feel more positive.
Now that's probably a relatable theme, but of course kindness is not limited to just this pandemic. We all have had issues going on in our lives that started prior to this lockdown and will continue to deal with these issues, and new issues, after. An example I most relate to that's been a lifelong struggle is social affairs. If you're like me, I often think about those times I haven't been up to doing anything social like attending an event, or, going to see family and friends. When I choose not to attend something social my initial thoughts are, 'you're a bad friend', 'why aren't you normal?' or something similar, but then I realise I need to be defending my own court and advocating for myself. Why? Well aren't my needs just as important to listen to? Y E S. So I do. I tell myself that we're all different, and, because I'm not as social as other people that doesn't make me any less than them - or any less capable. And for every time I do hang out with my friends and family, the quality of time together is much better as it feels less forced and artificial. I enjoy being around others, but, I also enjoy being alone with myself. So, if I want to be alone, I'm going to be alone and not feel guilty about it. Of course that might make it seem easy, but of course kindness can be a battle.
The Key to Kindness
The best way to go about being kind to yourself is to treat each time you're having a difficulty like you're going to your best friend for advice. If you were going to meet this friend and explain what's going on, what would they say? Would they tell you that you're worthless or maybe that you're, I don't know, F A B U L O U S?! I hope for the latter.
That inner monologue you have inside your mind is something which you can evolve from being your own personal bully, and turning it into your own best friend, like in real life. You have to almost detach yourself and think, what would my best friend say to me right now? The key to kindness is taking off the lens you're used to looking through, and instead, putting on your friend's lens and seeing what they see in you.
Simple ways I try to be Kind to Myself
That inner monologue you have inside your mind is something which you can evolve from being your own personal bully, and turning it into your own best friend, like in real life. You have to almost detach yourself and think, what would my best friend say to me right now? The key to kindness is taking off the lens you're used to looking through, and instead, putting on your friend's lens and seeing what they see in you.
Simple ways I try to be Kind to Myself
- When I catastrophize that something went wrong, like I made a fool of myself, I go out of my way to find something that went right, that I did right. This is how I take away the power from the bully in my head.
- When I practice yoga, I say (admittedly like a weirdo) my favourite qualities about myself.
- When I see myself in my mirror, I look for, and say aloud something cute about myself, like, 'hey bootylicious'.
I'm definitely not the master of self love, because kindness is a constant challenge. However, I'm working at it as I owe it to myself. And you also owe it to yourself, but if you think this might be too hard to start, then start gradually - and if you think you'll forget to, then maybe put some sticky notes up around your home to encourage you to keep going. I'm sure it will feel strange at first, but with time I'm sure you will appreciate shaping that mind of yours into your own best friend.
I love this year's theme for Mental Health Awareness Week, because it goes to show that we all give ourselves a hard time - and none of us deserve that. So be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Always.
I love this year's theme for Mental Health Awareness Week, because it goes to show that we all give ourselves a hard time - and none of us deserve that. So be kind to others, and be kind to yourself. Always.
How do you practice kindness?
Liam
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Resources:
https://www.mind.org.uk
https://www.rethink.org
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk
https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk
